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[November 20, 2011]

fell for the promise of a life with a purpose but i know that's impossibld now

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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[December 13, 2010]
existentialism on prom night
how irrelevant.
this is all really stupid.
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love & other drugs [December 7, 2010]
so maybe i am still a little high or maybe it was the movie but the entire universe is filled with symbolism. it's december, 2010 at two am and i just got home from the movie love & other drugs, which i saw with brian faul in the suburbs. it's 2005 and i'm convinced that i am in love with brian. that all i would ever want is him forever and we are driving back from the nickel arcade on our first "date" and i'm wearing the lace shirt i had gotten from work at old navy a few days before hand. and my feet are on the dashboard of his car and he's telling me how he doesn't drink or smoke and never will and how his parents raised him just right. and i can remember thinking "this is it. i am going to marry this kid. this is totally it." and now, 2010, it's so opposite. i just spent weeks crying over chris, who i only dated because brian left me at a train station at midnight and brian would come over and sleep with me and sit on my roof until the sun came up, but brian could never love me. not even when i gave him a chance after i had already been with chris. and i spent the last months, or year even, thinking maybe chris was the one. maybe all the time we spent in bed and that i wanted him to be better, so that he could be better for me, and that i wanted him to save me because i thought i tried to save him and he owed that to me. and this movie that i saw with brian, and not alex, who might still want me to come over, but i won't, is all about love, but more importantly, a love so real that it is unlike every thing you've ever thought love would ever really be like...like the movies. and it's all so ironic, and so unreal, and so completely out of character but totally the real me, that i would think this hard about anything that i pretend is insignificant. but here's the secret....i gave that lace shirt up at a clothing drive at school. tonight, we had a photoshoot. tonight, by chance or fate or complete accident, someone picked that shirt out of the clothing drive. and i wanted it back. and i took it back. and so all through this movie, all through this entire thing, this lace shirt from old navy that i wore on the first date i ever went on with brian faul....it was there the entire time, but it doesn't mean anything
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this is how you remember yourself [June 11, 2010]
i am listening to azure ray and it's almost as if no time has passed at all
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[June 5, 2010]
quit my job & started working in a salon. i finally feel like my real life is starting.
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[May 27, 2010]
i still like livejournal. the people that follow me on tumblr make me nervous, so i just post pictures of dustin hoffman or my new haircuts.

my last day of work is tomorrow. perhaps it will end all my misery.

i feel like i started my life 4 years late. i don't want to regret college. but in a lot of ways, i can't help it.
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[March 14, 2010]
i rearranged my living room, and in a way it felt like i rearranged my life. the warmth is helping me to remember the person that i was and the person that i've missed.

i was driving home from the gym tonight and thinking of how much i glamorized this city in my head. when i was eighteen and dating daniel i took the bus, terrified of city life. it was a world without parents, dorm restrictions, signing people in. there was the party and sitting on the stoop and rooms without walls. and i thought, "this is it. this is life."

i realize now that everything happens everywhere. i could go to game night in logan square or dekalb or cary and it would be the same me only in a different place. there's nothing in chicago that will save me, but there's nothing anywhere else that would either.
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frida kahlo to marty mcconnell by marty mcconnell [October 22, 2009]
leaving is not enough; you must
stay gone. train your heart
like a dog. change the locks
even on the house he’s never
visited. you lucky, lucky girl.
you have an apartment
just your size. a bathtub
full of tea. a heart the size
of Arizona, but not nearly
so arid. don’t wish away
your cracked past, your
crooked toes, your problems
are papier mache puppets
you made or bought because the vendor
at the market was so compelling you just
had to have them. you had to have him.
and you did. and now you pull down
the bridge between your houses,
you make him call before
he visits, you take a lover
for granted, you take
a lover who looks at you
like maybe you are magic. make
the first bottle you consume
in this place a relic. place it
on whatever altar you fashion
with a knife and five cranberries.
don’t lose too much weight.
stupid girls are always trying
to disappear as revenge. and you
are not stupid. you loved a man
with more hands than a parade
of beggars, and here you stand. heart
like a four-poster bed. heart like a canvas.
heart leaking something so strong
they can smell it in the street.
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[July 21, 2009]
no help for that - charles bukowski

there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled

a space

and even during the
best moments
and
the greatest
times

we will know it

we will know it
more than
ever

there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled

and

we will wait
and
wait

in that
space.
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[June 23, 2009]
play the saddest songs in empty hours and know that everything i've ever wished for is completely wrong.
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[May 6, 2009]
my final study session of college looked like this:


thank goodness it's over!
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[May 6, 2009]











don't forget me. at least, not yet.
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[April 20, 2009]
"We talked about our voices as writers — how they are strong and brave but how as people we are wimps. This is what creates our craziness. The chasm between the great love we feel for the world when we sit and write about it and the disregard we give it in our own human lives.”
-Natalie Goldberg, Writing Down the Bones
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